Eight(een) simple rules for dating Twilight fans:
1. Start your first real conversation with all the times you've murdered people.
2. Append the murder revelation with light banter about drinking her blood.
3. She rides in your car. Period.
4. Disable her vehicle to make sure she stays put.
5. When you decide to let her see her friends, tailgate her the entire way there.
6. Tell her you're only doing these things because you're so in love with her.
7. Promptly lose interest.
8. Make sure she knows she'd die if you weren't around to protect her.
9. Repeat #6 until she starts believing it.
10. Once she starts to believe it, take off for Europe.
11. Condescend, condescend, condescend. Also, lose interest again.
12. Sneak into her room and watch her sleep. It's romantic.
13. Relationships are about sacrifice. She should give up her friends and family.
14. Sacrifices are for girls. Also, Condescend some more.
15. Insist on carrying her on your back like a small child.
17. When in doubt, Body Glitter.
18. Make sure you're at least five times her age.
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