Obligatory 2010 List of Shit

A Decade of Blogging

Because every blog is doing Best of the Decade lists, here's mine. The top 8 wtf moments from my blog 2001-2008. (I'd include 2000 but I didn't write letters to the internet back then, and if you want to see my wtf moment from 2009, you can just scroll down to any of the previous posts.) I've probably had as many different blog locations as there are entries on this list, so I'll include the name of the blog I posted that particular entry on. I'm also going in reverse-chronological order because these will no doubt get more and more ridiculous the farther back we go.

2008
The Cake is a Lie
Everyone's favorite misanthropic organization, PETA, recently released a Cooking Mama ripoff, ostensibly to protest of the original game's inclusion of delicious, nutritious food. Since most of the dishes in Cooking Mama are traditional Japanese fare, PETA might actually be protesting Japanese culture here; the distinction is unclear. In any case, they've actually managed to improve the game a bit, and I doubt even PETA cares enough about real animals to not enjoy savagely eviscerating their respective digital avatars. While the cartoonish supervillainy inherent in PETA's typical list of suggested environmental improvements ranges from eliminating millions of jobs to displacing thousands of homeowners, I draw the line at the ham-handed inference that murdering something in a video game should make me feel the least bit guilty, (unless you count the Weighted Companion Cube.)
I suppose one could take this whole thing as a sign of our larger success as a species. The rationalization process for PETA's existence starts with the idea that humans are so well adapted for survival that we have to engage in self-sabotage just to keep our numbers down. Follow that line of thinking through to its' logical conclusion and you end up with PETA. The E in PETA is supposed to stand for Ethical, (which is as hilariously subjective as the M in FEMA,) a term that PETA has broadened to include the promotion of under-aged drinking on college campuses in an apparent effort to reduce dairy consumption. That's right, PETA hates milk enough to suggest Milwaukee's Best as a suitable replacement for enjoying your Captain Crunch. PETA's been working overtime paving the road to hell of late, but I can't imagine the "Got Beer" campaign was all that well-intentioned. I know half a dozen hot girls who can stand to drink Silk, and seem no worse for the wear. Put a beer in their hands, and suddenly they're dry humping the fridge door. Subtlety, it seems, doesn't evoke enough outrage. Like most organizations whose membership numbers less than the distinct subset "people who went to see Meet Joe Black," the disdainful public perception of PETA is eerily accurate. In an ironic twist, Shithouse Squirrels everywhere locked arms in protest.

-Originally posted October 31st, 2008 on mrvain (it later appeared on myspace)

I can't say this one caught me offguard, but I was a little surprised which quarter the flak came from. I also squeezed in a shot at FEMA, which in 2008 was about as topical as a Sars joke would be today. This one is still fairly recent and I maintain that faint shred of hope that someone will someday look at it and go "Oh, that IS funny… kind of." That vanity is somewhat muted by the fact that I'm aping Tycho throughout.

The Lesson: Get your own voice.

2007

"There are decisions made you'll never know about."

It has come to my attention lately (in a cogent and dramatic manner,) that there is some talk of a rift between two groups of people, both of which I love dearly. This is absurd, in that the two groups are in fact one; their delineation being nothing more than a consequence of location, (or as it is so often succinctly sung, "We're all in this together.") Being a proud and law-abiding member of one of the two groups (we'll call it "group B,") may or may not afford me any unique insight into the nature of this schism, but I intend to put my thoughts and feelings into words now, so lets pretend it does.

Group B is unilaterally comprised of passionate, penitent individuals who have recently - as a group - encountered and - as a group - overcome a series of what we'll whitewash as "obstacles." The ramifications of Group B's initial actions have been far reaching and well publicized. There is, to be sure, a discrepancy here between the real and the perceived. The truth suffers with every retelling, naturally, and retelling is something of a hobby for both groups. Similarly much of the shock and disappointment directed toward Group B has run the gamut of negativity from merely poorly worded to wholly unnecessary. In my experience it has been easiest to forgive those whose sins I am myself familiar with. I hope it isn't assuming too much to say this is universal. This being the case, Group B is certainly not unique in its indiscretion. That statement holds true both on a relative and a universal scale; all experience is equatable.

Although I have the right to exempt myself from scorn, having not personally committed any action to that end, I won't. I do not condone what was done but I cannot pretend to be surprised or outraged by something that I know to be an annual occurrence.

-Originally posted August 9th, 2007 on myspace.com

Young Americans generally don't read my blog -thank God, (although they might learn a few new words) - but this one was directed straight down their throats anyway. I went out of my way to make this visible and the results were consistent with what I've come to expect from that group of people. In fact, I had to feign contrition for the post later to re-ingratiate myself with the group proper. I'd worry about admitting that if I wasn't absolutely sure the only people who would be offended by it have no clue what "feign contrition" means.

The Lesson: This taught me that no matter what my politely proffered, highly reasoned, totally objective viewpoint might be, I will forever be an outsider with these people. Great, grand, wonderful, beautiful people, but not my people.

2006
"Just to clarify, I firmly believe children are rampant creatures of impulse and destruction and need to be physically intimidated far more than is the current practice in American society. Children are inherently chaotic and will destroy themselves and their environments at the first available opportunity. Read "Lord of the Flies." That actually happened. I was spanked by my parents, my grandparents, my neighbors, my babysitters, even my elementary school principal. It didn't teach me to hit other people, or to fear adults, it taught me to avoid getting spanked. The avenues of misbehavior were cut off one after the other each time I was spanked, until I was left no choice but to walk the straight and narrow. The only time in my entire life I was spanked that I disagree with was the day when I was eleven years old that I said I hated church and didn't want to go. (Still, I probably shouldn't have run around the house sloshing a snifter of strawberry wine and saying "Fuck Jesus."")

-Originally posted December 2006 on (the sadly now defunct) consummating.com


This was more or less par for the course for consummating; I'd bait and switch between anecdotal, faux-informative, non-sequitur, and blasphemy-based comedy all in one smug little paragraph. What is noteworthy about this comment is that an abridged version of it showed up on youtube in response to a video about corporal punishment, and still gets violent retribution TO THIS DAY. I can't imagine how anyone could take a single word of that seriously.

The Lesson: I've heard people say "If you're going to tell the truth, be funny, or they'll kill you." I've learned that if what you say is neither true nor funny, this can somehow still hold true.


2005
Unless you are intimately familiar with the inner workings of gmail chat and/or keep a rather aberrant sleep shedule, you've likely not heard from me in a while. I apologize for nothing. Well, thats not true, I apologize for some things, but not a lot of things. A few things. Several things... I apologize for half the things. To this end, please enjoy not only the typical howd'ya do formalities, but a great degree of editorializing as well. Heck, I may even throw in a Celebrity News section just to keep you interested.

The biggest news this month is my new car. I have once again joined the unbounded ranks of American Automobile Enthusiasts- known to Republicans as "$uckers" and to Democrats as "Republicans," with my shiny new Honda Accord. The car came with a CD player, power windows, and its own webpage. I have used two of those things so far; I don't own any CDs. A few people have been surprisingly critical of my choice of manual transmission, but- to be fair- I have been critical of those peoples' choices to pass by me like they know me. Speaking of great music, I won a free 2G ipod nano from Marriott, which I like even more than the ex girlfriend I got from them last year. One of those two things is easy to understand, lightweight, and shares my taste in music. Sadly they never let me use either one at work.

Work is Night Audit at a Marriott Courtyard hotel. During the week this means I quietly process paperwork and computer tasks in the wee hours of the morning, then get to eat the breakfast buffet for free. During the weekend (today, for example,) it means I get to stand listening politely at 3AM to people who demand things for free, then promptly label me ugly, misogynistic, racist and stupid. Thats just unfair. I'm not ugly. All things considered I do enjoy my job as it affords me ample free time to write or, more frequently, sit and not write. There was a bit of a snag at first based on my inability to put the larger number on top when subtracting, but they bought me a special calculator that gives answers in absolute values, so we're set.

Now, the promised celebrity news. I don't know anything about this stuff so I did a quick google blog search of Ohio Celebrity News (I've been boolean free since 83) and found an older blog entry about Katie Holmes claiming to be the most famous person from Ohio. (Who cares if this is true or not, it makes good copy.) Eight US Presidents and the first man to set foot on the moon notwithstanding, she is pretty famous. The entry was backlinked to an article about Katie Holmes home town of Toledo, Ohio and how that city considers its most famous resident to be Jamie Farr. Yeah. The guy with the dress on M*A*S*H. This is indicative of everything I like about the midwestern mindset; some tabloid journalist went to Toledo to dig up dirt on Katie Holmes and everyone he interviewed opted to talk about the time they had pancakes with Corporal Klinger instead.

-Originally published July 22, 2005 on "Reflexive, Recursive, Redundant" and also emailed to a whole bunch of people, only one of whom ever responded.

The $uckers gag never worked as well as it should, because some people saw the dollar sign not as a replacement for the letter "S," as was intended, but for the letter "F." Fuck those people. I also made a 2pac reference which exactly zero people got, and I was riffing on Erma Bombeck a little, although admittedly our comparative demographics probably don't overlap much. The Boolean operator joke is also a bit dated now, but the thing that really bugs me is the conciliatory tone of the whole thing. In 2005 I had apparently given up on ever achieving anything in life.

The lesson: Clad your mundane, humble, bullshit lifestyle in whatever trappings you like, but people just aren't going to give a shit unless they identify.


2004
Traverse, Tacos, and Tangents
Like any menu item upgrade, the new Grande Soft Taco combines the familiar elements its name would imply with a "new" twist. The twist is twofold. The first is fairly straightforward as far as upgrades go. Taco Bell offerse more of what you love; More beef, cheese, and lettuce inside. The second element is the addition of an extra tortilla shell outside. Taco Bell afficionados will be familiar with this maneuver, first debuted in the "Double Decker Taco" whereby two shells are cradled together using a sort of bonding agent. Whereas the Original Double Decker Taco employed refried beans, the new Grande Soft Taco takes a leap into the quasi-dairy arena with the use of Nacho cheese. While it would seem this would make a welcome economy addition to the prestigious "Cheesy Gordita Crunch" line, the dish is not without it's faults. The first is the use of two soft flour tortillas, which causes this item to lack the pleasurable textured "crunch" it could have, if one of the tortillas were to be swapped with one of its crisp corn counterparts. Secondly, owing to both the double-soft shell and the nature of the nacho cheese adhesive, the internal shell actually does quite a bit of slipping and sliding during consumption. the nacho cheese, unlike the Gordita Crunch's delicious solid cheese blend, acts as a lubricant rather than a bonding agent, thus making this a more difficult dish to devour. Finally, the lack of any real spice or kick make after-market additions a must. Stock up on the Hot, Mild, or Fire, because you won't be getting any flavor from the Grande Soft Taco on its own.
All in all, 2 out of 4 stars. Don't think of it as a Poor Man's Cheesy Gordita Crunch, think of it as an 89 cent soft taco that jumped on the nacho cheese-powered slip and slide of mediocrity.

-Originally posted July 17th, 2004 on "mike26"

This entire entry was written to make a single person laugh. It achieved that goal, but then what? The topical comedy is way too specific to be useful anywhere else (except maybe in a "Best Of" post highlighting some of my more fantastic failures…) Also the tone is internally consistent with what I thought a review was supposed to sound like, and as a consequence I actively avoided making specific jokes that would risk breaking the format. Whatever, I'm pretty sure Taco Bell executives aren't reading my blog. The ultimate lesson though, was when I tried to show this to other people.

The Lesson: Familiarity is played out. You can't tell people shit about tacos, they already eat tacos.

2003
Donc si vous me croyez, mignonne...
Ah me. What a thing. I've found a new source for free talk therapy, so I've been neglecting this weblog. I know many of you check daily for new posts (yeah, right) and I've decided to stop disappointing my addoring fans. Okay, fan. (Not to be confused with Fan. One person gets that.)
So anyway, I found at least one reason to not want this summer to end. Which is wierd, because now I've started to worry that I won't be ready for tour. It'd be nice to get a call from some of my YA friends! Well, John calls me, he's The Man. The Dude. Abides. Whatever, kitschy slogans were never my thing. Kiss My Grits, Mel.
Also, I'm handing out free tickets to my next show. It's called "Next Time You Cause Trouble, I Will Punch You In The Face." It's part of a new interactive series I'm trying out. All you have to do to get a free guaranteed ticket is to act like a jerk! Limit one per Face.

-Originally posted July 26, 2003 on smote.org

Wow. Now we're getting back there. First of all, for those of you not well-versed in classic French poetry, that title is a reference to "Mignonne Allons Voir Si La Rose," which is like the "To The Virgins" of French poetry, at least subtextually. I spent the whole post saying "Katie is a Bitch" without ever saying "Katie is a Bitch" which seemed clever seven years ago, but now it feels like a big waste of time. Also, the only humor in this post can be derived from how pathetic it is I thought any of this was ever funny.

The Lesson: "Katie is a Bitch." Just say it and leave the veiled non-sequitur stuff to livejournal crowd, ok?

(Honorable mention from 2003 goes to this joke: "Where do broken hearts go... when they find their way home..." is a stupid question because everyone knows they go to Denny's it unexpectedly made me laugh here in 2010.)

2002








Posted on keenspace between February 16th and 23rd of 2002.
I apparently spent most of 2002 sharing my FPL writing, complaining about someone named Cindy, and making a quotes.txt out of the whole thing. I did find these "gems" however: the hilariously infamous (or is that infamously hilarious) Gafy webcomic. I can't draw, (clearly,) and MS Paint only helps make this more apparent. Still, Gafy exists as an inside-joke to a few close friends to this day. Fun fact, Gafy, the name of the main character, is an acronym.

The Lesson: Stick to writing, sparky.

2001
I've been thinking about this why men and women have such problems maintaining relationships and I think I have been able to isolate the source of the problem. Women.

-Originally posted on March 27th, 2001 on I Hate Irony.

This is one of the first things I ever wrote on the internet.

The Lesson: Occasionally you get it right the first time. Happy 2010.